Deep dive
Week 52
Writing weekly sometimes daily or hourly haiku’s has been and is my expression at the moment, it is the best way to work through, shout, laugh or cry those intense feelings or just observations
I’m so happy to have them and this is a (weekly?) space where I let myself delve into one a little deeper, remembering where I was at, process a little more
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kind of lucky, funny, nice that I’ve landed on just last week because it was a pretty huge week. Sometimes I land on a poem and instantly think ah, pick again?! Mainly because I’m worried of always sounding like I’m being negative or talking about that I’m crying again, but I am crying again and that’s what I’m talking about. I then remind myself that’s the beauty of my poem writing they are there for all the feelings, and life is full of them and we should be I think able to celebrate and talk (if we want to) about them all. My mind then drifts to the people reading this, you scanning over each word that’s poured out my mind onto the “page” I naturally want you to like what you read to not think I’m waffling on, but then I remember that it doesn’t matter how people receive this, because everyone takes things in in their own way, and this process is primarily for me, a way to process stuff, express my experiences in this mad wonderful world, and if you relate, uncover, laugh, mutter under your breath, thats amazing because I’m just so glad and grateful you're here to hear me because that just wonderful
STOP
and that’s where the draft ended at the start of April, 7 days after my baby boy turned one years old, now only half way through May it seems like a life time ago, I’m a cliche again saying things like “time flies” “they grow up so fast” but it’s frighteningly true yet again I’m the same, but I am not.
The baby was born at the end of a month and all I can say is March was a flood, a sea of tears which is putting it lightly. I never thought of this as a milestone really, but it bubbled up on me and surprised me how much emotion I was holding, pride that we did it, we did a year of this wildness that some days I couldn’t imagine doing it for anymore days, joy and awe for the little human he is, wonder for the relationships and constant rediscovering of myself he’s inspiring, sadness that he’s not under one anymore and my little baby is moving away from me, but more pride again that he is confident and curious, happy to edge away but run back for a reassuring hold.
All the twisting and turning emotions you could feel and all at once, for him to turn one it felt for me like I was coming out my shell, breaking through the cracks into a place I’d never been before it was a feeling of relief and like I could exhale fully, something changed, something happened in the 53rd week, we wasn’t in that anymore we are in something new, is there a what to expect in the 2nd year of life? Cos I’ve been to focused on the 1st! Probably to stop expecting and just get on board, ride this spiralling beauty of life.
Lots of things changed, things stopped, things started, worried about rocking now we rock, full nights, dropped naps, unsettled again, no sleep, more teeth, one thing rolls to the next and if you’re not careful you forget it even happened.
I’m so proud and lucky that we breast fed for a whole year, that’s 52 weeks in a year, 365 days every two - four hours I fed you, just me, I dug deep, it hurt, it felt natural, it confused me, it made sense, I loved my body in a different way, I saw me different, day and night from my body to yours. It a month and a half since you smiled and stopped, and some days I can’t even remember it, I long for the feeling, check I can still make drops of milk and it makes me happy, my boobs back to being just part of my body it felt like my powers left me like who am I if I don’t do that, but slowly I feel your hugs tighter, your comfort closer. But I never want to forget, I want to wear it like a badge, a medal, one of my biggest achievements, I never knew when the fleeting question of do you think you'll breastfeed would come up. My god this whole journey is so underestimated, women’s minds and body’s so overlooked however you managed to feed your life that you’ve grown is an amazing achievement.
The hardest, challenging most beautiful year of my life, more joy than I know. What’s funny is I am guilty of fully underestimating what the undertaking of having given life and parenting is, embarrassingly so, I’m grateful I have been able to get this far on the journey.
The love just gets bigger.
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